The Independence Gazette
Local Man Completes Entire Train Bridge Alone — Now Deaf, Possibly Mad
By Horace P. Tindle, Staff Reporter
INDEPENDENCE, MO — Citizens gathered yesterday to witness the final blow of a hammer as Mr. Ralph “Rivet” Higgins, a local laborer of unusual determination (and questionable sanity), completed the riveting of the new Missouri Pacific train bridge.
What makes this feat remarkable is not merely the scale of the bridge, stretching proudly over the timbered banks, but that every single rivet—over 16,000 by some estimates—was hammered in by Higgins alone.
Whiskey Boast Becomes Iron Destiny
The story began in McGinty’s Saloon when Mr. Higgins, under the influence of both patriotism and rye whiskey, declared, “One man could do the work of ten, if only he had the guts!” Councilmen, seated nearby, took him at his word. Within a week, Higgins was hired—contract inked, hammer issued.
The Sound of Madness
For weeks, the valley echoed with the rhythmic clank, clank, clank of his hammer. Farmers reported their chickens laid eggs in time with the blows, and one elderly woman swore her clock reset itself daily to his strikes.
But soon, troubling reports surfaced. Children claimed they heard Mr. Higgins shouting at the bridge beams, accusing them of “backtalk.” Workmen delivering supplies noted that he often paused mid-swing to “negotiate” with the rivets.
By the time the bridge was finished, Mr. Higgins was profoundly deaf, his ears having surrendered to the constant ringing of steel. When asked if the effort had been worth it, he replied only:
“Shhh! Can’t you hear them whispering?”
A Monument and a Warning
The Missouri Pacific Bridge now stands as a monument to progress, but also as a cautionary tale of overconfidence. It is whispered that on quiet nights, one can still hear Higgins’ phantom hammer striking steel—or perhaps the bridge itself calling his name.
The council has since announced that no further bridges shall be built under “single-man contracts.”
