The Last Patriot Standing - Part One
Bubba Joe was the ultimate right-wing, Republican, mega supporter. He didn’t just like his president—he worshiped him. The man was, in Bubba’s mind, a cross between Jesus, George Washington, and Hulk Hogan. Anyone who dared question this divine hybrid was, by default, a socialist, communist, or worse—a fact-checker.
When someone brought up inconvenient truths, like the economy tanking or the president confusing airports with Revolutionary War battlefields, Bubba had a strategy. Step one: ignore it. Step two: say, “Fake news!” Step three: accuse the other person of being a brainwashed sheep who “doesn’t do their own research” (though Bubba’s own “research” usually involved Facebook memes made by a guy named Dale in his garage).
His torture methods were legendary. If you questioned his president, he’d strap you to a chair and force you to watch 12 straight hours of conspiracy videos narrated by monotone YouTubers with tinfoil hats. If that didn’t break you, he’d unleash the ultimate weapon: explaining how “tax cuts for billionaires” would eventually trickle down into your pocket—if only you believed hard enough.
The most brutal punishment of all? Bubba’s analogies.
If you said, “The president is mishandling this crisis,” Bubba would reply:
“Listen here, if your house is on fire and you pour gasoline on it, that’s not starting the fire, that’s just making the fire GREAT AGAIN so it burns stronger. That’s leadership.”
By the end, most people stopped arguing with Bubba. Not because he was right, but because surviving one of his rants felt like waterboarding for the brain.
Still, Bubba didn’t care. His president was a God. Not like a God. A God. And if anyone dared suggest otherwise? Bubba was ready with the ultimate defense:
“You just don’t understand. One day, history will prove him right.”
Of course, by “history,” he meant his own Facebook timeline.
