George vs. The Bug Wor
George was a man of the outdoors… or so he claimed. He loved hiking, camping, fishing, and sitting under the stars. At least, until the bug world declared war on him. Spiders, caterpillars, ants—even butterflies—turned this rugged outdoorsman into a squealing mess. The moment one crawled within ten feet of him, George would shriek like a soprano and run faster than the Flash on an energy drink. If there happened to be a tree nearby, he’d climb it like a monkey with his tail set on fire, hanging from branches and swatting at invisible insects as though auditioning for a wildlife documentary called The World’s Most Terrified Mammal.
George tried to fight back. He went to self-help groups. He sat through psychiatric counseling sessions. He even attended a weekend retreat called Bugs Are Our Friends, where they made him hold a ladybug. The group leaders said, “See, George, harmless!” His response was to pass out cold on the spot. The ladybug flew off in triumph, no doubt bragging to its beetle buddies about how it had conquered a grown man.
Eventually, George gave up. The outdoors was simply not big enough for both him and the bug kingdom. He retreated to his house, determined to enjoy nature from the safety of his recliner. His window faced the woods. He stocked his fridge with snacks. He bought a big screen TV and tuned in to National Geographic nature films. Perfect setup, right?
Wrong.
Every time the camera zoomed in on a tarantula, George would let out a shriek that sent the neighbors calling animal control. When a butterfly flapped across the screen in slow motion, George leapt behind the couch as if it were a charging rhinoceros. Once, he tried watching a documentary about ants. Three minutes in, he sprinted out the front door, tripped over his welcome mat, and landed face-first in the yard. Ironically, he landed in an ant pile. The neighbors said his scream that day registered on the Richter scale.
And so George lives his life, trapped in a paradox: a man who loves the outdoors but is at war with its smallest citizens. His friends joke that the only safe “nature” for George is a plastic houseplant. National Geographic has quietly flagged him as a “hazardous viewer.”
As for George, he’s accepted his fate. He now prefers documentaries about outer space. “No bugs out there,” he says confidently—though one day, if NASA ever discovers alien insects, George may just place himself in a self-contained plastic bubble with life support, food, and plenty of beverages to drink till the end days.
