Where’s the Beef?
"Where’s the Beef? Oh, It’s in a Museum Now."
In the not-so-distant future — or possibly next Tuesday — the price of beef skyrocketed so high, it broke through the atmosphere, waved at the International Space Station, and just kept going. At first, people thought it was a temporary spike. “Beef’s just having a moment,” they said, like it was a trendy pop star or a crypto coin.
But then ground beef hit $47.99 a pound.
Families started taking selfies in front of steak displays at the grocery store like they were visiting rare artifacts. Ribeyes became a black-market currency. One man in Wisconsin traded a single T-bone for a used Toyota Corolla and still felt like he got shorted.
Fast food chains adapted. McDonald's quietly changed the Big Mac to the “Big Cluck.” Burger King launched the “Whopper-ish,” made of 92% soy and 8% confusion. Wendy’s just put up a sign that said, “Don’t Ask.”
Even dogs stopped dreaming of chasing cows. They knew the only beef they’d see was in their owner’s memories. One golden retriever refused to eat his dry kibble until his owner showed him a picture of a brisket.
Meanwhile, chicken and pork were thriving. Chickens strutted around smugly, hogs were throwing block parties, and turkeys were trying to rebrand themselves as “Gobble-Beef.” The poultry and pork industries even formed a coalition called “Meat-ish United.”
People adapted. There was no more medium-rare. Everything was “well, it’s not beef.” Weddings featured pulled pork cake. Kids grew up thinking “cow” was a mythical animal, like unicorns or free parking.
Then, one day, a man walked into a park with what looked like a hamburger. Word spread fast. A crowd gathered. Phones were out. Someone live-streamed it with the caption: “BRO GOT BEEF???”
Turns out it was lentils and beet juice shaped like a patty.
The crowd sighed and went back to their chicken skewers and pulled pork sushi.
As for the cows, they were rumored to be living in gated communities, grazing on designer grass and laughing at our grocery bills.
And somewhere in the distance, an old commercial echoed on a dusty television screen:
“Where’s the beef?”
Answer: In the history books.
